How to Apologize like an Adult

Today I’m going to talk about apologies. Last week an issue arose between a friend and I that ended with us apologizing to each other for our misunderstandings. A couple of days later, I stumbled upon these two resources and wished I’d seen them sooner!

The main problem with the apologetic exchange between my friend and I was that initially we each thought the other was at fault. I think the first step in apologizing like an adult is to accept responsibility for one’s own addition to the mistake.

In my situation, it meant that I needed to recognize that I had made generalizations without providing my friend with the context and clarification needed to understand my statement. Because I didn't provide that clarification upfront, my statement was taken offensively.

I came across a post titled “A Better Way to Say Sorry” on the blog cuppacocoa written by user joellen. She relays an apology technique she learned in a teacher-training program and then implemented in her classroom.

This is her four step apology:

•             I’m sorry for…
•       This is wrong because…
•       In the future, I will…
•       Will you forgive me?

She notes that it is important in your apologies to be specific about what you are apologizing for and to understand why you did what you did and how it affected the other person.

With this outline in mind, my apology should have looked more like this…

I’m sorry for making generalizations about our friendship and not communicating clearly. It was wrong because it made you sad and caused you to question our friendship. In the future, I will do my best to communicate clearly about my intentions as well as be open and authentic with you in our chats.

In addition to this, I’d like to share with you the other resource that was shown to me. Have you ever heard of John Green? The author of “The Fault in Our Stars”? Ringing a bell? Well allow me to introduce you to John's brother, Hank Green. The two make YouTube videos for their channel, vlogbrothers.

In this video, Hank discusses how to apologize without being a “fartbag” or “someone who hurts other people, then blames them for the problem.” He reiterates the importance of acknowledging the role you played in the misunderstanding as well as taking responsibility for your mistake.

Watching this video is when it hit me, “Yeah... I've been a fartbag more than once or twice.” Sometimes I assume that just because my mistake was unintentionally made, I don’t need to take responsibility for it. Then, when I’m called out for my mistake, I get defensive and abrasive...fartbag-ish.

Now the flip-side of this is learning how to accept an apology like an adult.

Remember that your emotions are valid and deserve to be respected. So when you are accepting an 

apology, don’t say “It’s okay” or “It doesn't matter”. Because it’s not okay, it does matter.

Also, accepting an apology doesn't make the issue disappear. You may need to set new boundaries with this person. Don’t shrug it off, but come to a place of understanding with the other person.

So this new way of apologizing is being added to my list of life applications for personal growth. I want to be aware of what I’m saying/doing, why and how it will affect others around me.